I worried my mom would be featured on “Hoarders”
A memory popped up on my Facebook feed recently and it took me straight back to the cold snowy day in Iowa when the photo was taken. I’d flown back to help my sister sort out my mom’s apartment and make it more manageable for her.
My mom held on to everything, typical behavior for an elderly woman who had nothing for most of her life. Her 600 square foot apartment was filled to the brim with stuff.
We spent a few days going through all of it, asking mom why she wanted to keep it and why she even bought it in the first place.
Things like exercise videos still in the cellophane, Learn to Write Calligraphy books and pens and sewing patterns. So many sewing patterns to go with the sewing machine tucked in the back of the closet.
I desperately wanted my mom to be different and thought that the organized systems we put in place would enable her to change her hoarding ways. If she would keep the clutter out of her apartment, she’d be safe and I’d feel better knowing she was less likely to fall.
The clean, organized apartment stayed that way for about 24 hours after we left. Mom’s ability to accumulate stuff was not to be stifled. Much of it came from what other people in the complex were discarding.
This side of my mom frustrated me because it made extra work for me and my siblings. I wanted her to be different, less attached to things and more interested in communicating with her grandchildren. I believed that if she were different, I would be happier.
Wanting people to be different than they are so we can be happy, never works my friends. Even if they do change, for us, we’re dependent on them staying that way so we can continue to be happy.
When we’re unhappy we try to change whatever or whomever we think is causing our unhappiness. We tell ourselves that if we can change something happening on the outside, we’ll feel better inside.
That rarely works.
It never works when applied to challenges you face with an aging parent.
There’s another way.
Understanding how we think allows you to navigate your life with an aging parent.
The first thing to understand is that we have thoughts but we are not our thoughts.
Our brain has thousands of thoughts every day. Some of them are true, some are not true and some are true but not useful. Becoming aware of the thoughts we have about any given situation gives us authority. We are the boss of our brain.
We have thousands of thoughts every day. Thoughts about my mom & myself included
We’re not very close, never have been
I should call her more
I don’t want to call her because she’ll just complain
These are just thoughts that I had. They felt true but not everyone would agree to them. They were the narrative that I listened to. There may have been some truth to them but they weren’t helpful in creating the connection with my mom that I craved.
The second truth is that we create what we give time and focus to. Focusing on thoughts about what is wrong will create more of what’s wrong. Thinking about how negative your mom is will focus your mind on all that’s negative about her. If she says something positive, your brain dismisses it. The brain doesn’t like dissonance so it sidelines what it sees as unsupportive of what you already think.
The thoughts I had about my mom & myself were:
She’s a hoarder
She’s never been organized, growing up our house was always a mess
She doesn’t appreciate all that we (her kids) do for her to keep her independent
I don’t have enough patience for my mom
The result of having these thoughts was that every interaction I had with mom was filtered through the lens my thoughts focused on. When she did something that was contrary to me thinking she was unorganized, I dismissed it. On the occasions when I was patient with mom, I told myself it wouldn’t last.
We live busy lives which makes the auto-pilot feature of our brain useful. Becoming aware of what we’re thinking in situations that we’d like to change is empowering. There are many things that happen in the lives of our aging parents that we can’t change. Developing the skill of awareness of our thoughts makes it possible to experience it with less frustration. Simple awareness of what we’re making mom’s behavior mean, gives us space to adjust our thoughts in a way that creates acceptance and connection.
Awareness and adjustment of your own thoughts is the fastest route to increased peace for you.
Mary Remmes is an elderly person enthusiast. Her experience in long term care administration and training as a Life Coach make her uniquely qualified to help you navigate your life with an aging parent. Her mothers journey with dementia inspired her to create a program to help every adult daughter navigate their parents final years without sacrificing their own sanity.
Check out my other blogs at www.maryremmes.com/blog
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