FTD …it’s not flower delivery

“Your mom has FTD: Frontotemporal Dementia & there’s nothing we can do for you. Start saving money now, she’s going to need a lot of care”

This was the statement my client, Stephanie* received as she sat in the neurologists office with her mom.

The way he spoke, it was as if her mom was already gone, yet she was sitting right in front of him.  

From that moment on Stephanie believed that her mom’s future and, by default hers, was bleak. Filled with sadness and suffering. 

Relief from the suffering would come at the end of her mom’s life. That thought made her feel awful and guilty.

She talked to friends who had been down this the dementia road; they meant well and shared their experiences as a way to prepare her. But it made her more depressed so she pulled back from them. 

Other friends who had not experienced a terminal diagnosis couldn’t understand. Their good intentions came as kind words & distractions to cheer her up.

It became difficult to enjoy the happy parts of her life like her kids, her job and hobbies. She was distracted in every area of her world with the knowledge and fear of what was happening to her mom.

She felt alone and overwhelmed and sad.

Stephanie found me through a friend. I explained that as her mindset coach it’s not my role to fix her situation or show her how to look on the bright side of things. 

I broke the news to her that I don’t have any answers. I am, however, effective at showing her how all her power exists in her thoughts and her ability to feel emotions.

Until we met, she’d tried resisting the sadness and buffering from the sadness with wine, shopping and Netflix. She’d never truly let the sadness just be there. She was afraid that if she did, it would consume her. 

I offered Stephanie the ability to learn what her current way of thinking is creating. Once learned she can shift it in a way that will give her the result she wants. 

She wants to stop feeling helpless and sad all the time. She'd like to be able to concentrate on her work, without feeling guilty for the time her job takes away from her mom.

Stephanie told me that she wants to be present for her mom at every stage. She'd like to find any amount of joy that’s possible along the way.

This is available to her without anything outside of her control changing. 

The first step was to identify the facts of the situation and recognize that everything else is a story she’s telling.

The facts are that her mom has a diagnosis with no known cure and she doesn't know what her future will bring.

How Stephanie chooses to think about this fact each day will determine how she shows up for her mom, for herself and everyone.

If she feels afraid because she's thinking that she doesn't know what to expect or how to handle it, she'll shut down. She'll miss opportunities to learn and grow. 

If she feels accepting of the reality, she's likely to step into her ability to learn what she needs to know today. 

The next thing we worked on was her ability to feel negative emotions. It’s normal to want to move away from sadness but it isn’t helpful in the long run. Learning how to feel emotions all the way through gave Stephanie power over them and allowed her to experience them and move forward. 

Stephanie’s journey with her mom through FTD will be much different with the skills she’s learned to manage her thoughts and feel her feelings. 

Are you or is someone you know currently experiencing a situation like Stephanie? Do you have an elderly parent right now and you’re not quite sure how to handle yourself in the situation? What you should or shouldn’t be doing or saying?

I can help! Contact me for a free discovery session.

*not her real name